The rape of Nirbaya was horrific. The fact that six men had the gall and the stomach to do something like this is revolting. What kind of sick, gutless men need to gang up on a young girl like this? What could have possibly motivated them? Not only did they rape her, but attempted to murder her – they tried to run her over with their bus before her boyfriend pulled her to safety. There is more here than meets the eye.
No details have been released on the six men, and understandably so, if the justice system is to play its part. But understanding what drove them to this is important if we are to prevent such crimes from happening again. This was not just six men out for a night of fun. This was an act of brutality which reeks of intent and malice. Was it a show of power? A display of male supremacy? A public understanding this case as an example of the many that occur every year is important if we want to truly minimise or eradicate such crimes (there have already been a number of gang-rapes reported in the wake of the incident). Let us not waste the efforts of thousands who have taken to the streets in solidarity. Let this be a turning point for women across the country.
Rape is not a crime that is unique to India. I recently read that countries like Sweden have a far higher rate of reported cases (23 per hundred thousand people vs India’s 1.8 per hundred thousand people), with the emphasis being on reported. As a society though, we seem to acknowledge and accept rape as being part and parcel of the world we live in. Our films depict the hero as being one who either saves the heroine from a rape or one who avenges his raped sister (as an aside, films are merely a reflection of society - I disagree that Bollywood is to blame for the rape cases). Our women are told to stay indoors after sunset because “acche ghar ki ladki shyam ko bahar nahin jaati hai”. We acknowledge and accept that men will leer at women, and that women should just ignore this. Again, these are not issues that are unique to India, but just happen to be more pronounced in our country – perhaps because of our population size, but also perhaps because of our culture. In all the uprising against the government and the clamour for greater safety measures, let us not mask the cultural issues that we need to address as a society.
Let me pause here, and be upfront with the reader – I have lived outside India for nearly 20 years now. I have had short stints in India of between two weeks to three months every year or two since migrating in 1993. But I am an Indian of root, heart and upbringing and have had the benefit of looking at our way of life from the outside in. If anything in this article is offensive or incorrect, I am happy to take your feedback on board and even debate the issue.
Coming back to the issue of rape in our society, I believe the problem runs deeper than gangs of men having their sick fun. These men too are a product of our culture and society, and the way they view women is driven by what they have seen and experienced. Unfortunately, violence against women and gender discrimination have been part of our way of life for far too long.
Now I can almost see a number of heads nodding in agreement - “Yes yes – so many women are treated so badly. My bai too gets beaten and abused by her mard, but she does not want to do anything about it. Kya kare?! Education is the only answer!”
I think that by consigning the problem to lower-income families and the lack of education we are not seeing the full picture. Yes I agree that domestic violence still remains a major issue. If a child grows up watching his mother getting abused and beaten, and sees that she just bears it silently then it does have a major impact on his or her psyche and view of women in general.
But is the problem only in lower-income households and families who cannot afford proper education? And does the root of the problem lie only with families where domestic abuse exists? And can school education alone address a child’s psychological make-up and mould him into a man who respects women?
The greater misstep here is that by consigning the issue to just lower income classes and uneducated masses and families with domestic violence, we are absolving ourselves of any part we have to play in this matter. And we cannot and must not do so, if we want to progress as a society.
The root of the issue lies in gender discrimination. And I don’t mean just in workplaces or schools. Nor am I referring only to extremes where a boy's education is favoured over a girl's or a girl is ill-treated by her in-laws. I refer to small, almost banal issues that exist in every home which we must change first in order to change our society.
My brother and I were raised in Singapore where our parents taught us to share in household chores. Be it washing the dishes, folding clothes or helping with chopping onions - you had to do your part. My dad too helped out with washing dishes or folding clothes or occasionally even cooking when he was home. We all viewed this as being perfectly normal and a part of living together as a family. (My mom will protest that we did not help out often enough, but lets put that to one side for now).
But every time I visited India and was found washing dishes or wiping the dining table or even making a cup of coffee in the kitchen I heard the words “Bechara – he does household chores like a woman.” When I arrived in Australia to study, my female friends from India were initially amused by the fact that I knew how to wash dishes. One of my friends even provided this bit of positive feedback to my mom when she visited us, "Pratham does a good job washing dishes." My mom gave a bemused smile, “So he washes dishes, what’s the big deal? Has he learned to cook yet?!” More recently, a friend of mine won a mixture of admiration and sympathy at a social gathering from other women around. The reason - the poor guy not only cooks for his wife but also cleans up afterwards!
My point is why is a guy washing dishes or cooking viewed with such amusement and surprise or even sympathy? I live now with my girlfriend, and most often I cook our meals (I am the better cook...or so I believe). She helps out with folding the clothes or washing the dishes while I am cooking our meals for the week. We have a happy coexistence and a mutual respect that both of us are working professionals who each need to do our part in keeping our home neat and putting food on the table.
Now you may ask what this has to do with Nirbaya’s rape and murder? My response is – everything. Unless we stop viewing our roles in our homes and in society as male and female roles, we won’t view each other as equals. Men who are raised to view themselves as God’s gift to earth will inevitably be offended by a woman who does not see them thus. A woman with strength, self-respect or a sharp tongue is viewed as a threat and must be taught a lesson. Take this to the extreme and you have a group of violent men who need to show a woman her place in the world. Who need to show her that they are the ones who have been blessed with a penis, even if they need five other men to hold her down before they dare get it out.
Yes - the change has to start at home, and it has to start with the women themselves. Mothers who coddle their sons with food and service, while ‘training’ their daughters to be good housewives need to stop. A son is equally capable of helping out at home – domesticating him will not make him any less of a man. It will only teach him to respect woman and view them as equals.
Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, a woman needs to be viewed as an independent individual who is not responsible for the family’s place in society. Again, I am not referring to the extreme cases, not even to marriage outside the class or religion. There are numerous everyday instances where we place this unwarranted burden of family pride and honour on our women’s shoulders.
For example, a man can decide not to visit his uncle’s family, as long as he sends his wife in his place. After all, she represents the family, and he is a very busy person. However, the reverse does not apply. If he visits his uncle, then she has to accompany him – because if she does not, they may be offended. After all she represents the family, and she goes where he does. Of course, if she visits her uncle, there is no question of the latter being offended if her husband could not make it – after all he is a busy man.
The same applies to any and every religious or family function. The men of the family can make flirting appearances, but the women need to stay through the function. A man can turn up in a t-shirt and a pair of jeans to the function, but the girl needs to be decked up in her best saree. Any less and she will be admonished by her mother and aunts. And she better salute her elders with proper flourish at the function. After all she represents the family. And when the festive lunch is served, she must wait her turn after her fathers and brothers have had their fill. After all, that’s the customary way a woman behaves. Any deviation from this will mean that the relatives scorn on her parents and her upbringing.
Again, these may seem trivial to the point of being silly. But with every instance like this we keep making our girls feel like they need to uphold the family’s honour and have to abide by time honoured traditions. Take this to the extreme and you have thousands of cases of rape and domestic abuse that go unreported every year. Worse still are the cases of women committing suicide for fear of facing their families after suffering such a heinous crime.
We have to take responsibility as a society. Let us not rest with just pointing fingers at the politicians, the police, and the scum of society. Let us start with changing our own homes and the way we raise our children. Young parents – I implore you – treat your sons and daughters equally. The girl child should be given equal opportunity and independence as the boy. And the male child should be taught that his role in the world is to contribute to both society and his own household. Only then will we have a society of balanced individuals with mutual respect for the opposite gender.
“You needn’t worry about my daughter’s safety or how she dresses for her parties. You should worry about your son’s safety if he is attending the same party and doesn’t know to behave.” - Unknown
No details have been released on the six men, and understandably so, if the justice system is to play its part. But understanding what drove them to this is important if we are to prevent such crimes from happening again. This was not just six men out for a night of fun. This was an act of brutality which reeks of intent and malice. Was it a show of power? A display of male supremacy? A public understanding this case as an example of the many that occur every year is important if we want to truly minimise or eradicate such crimes (there have already been a number of gang-rapes reported in the wake of the incident). Let us not waste the efforts of thousands who have taken to the streets in solidarity. Let this be a turning point for women across the country.
Rape is not a crime that is unique to India. I recently read that countries like Sweden have a far higher rate of reported cases (23 per hundred thousand people vs India’s 1.8 per hundred thousand people), with the emphasis being on reported. As a society though, we seem to acknowledge and accept rape as being part and parcel of the world we live in. Our films depict the hero as being one who either saves the heroine from a rape or one who avenges his raped sister (as an aside, films are merely a reflection of society - I disagree that Bollywood is to blame for the rape cases). Our women are told to stay indoors after sunset because “acche ghar ki ladki shyam ko bahar nahin jaati hai”. We acknowledge and accept that men will leer at women, and that women should just ignore this. Again, these are not issues that are unique to India, but just happen to be more pronounced in our country – perhaps because of our population size, but also perhaps because of our culture. In all the uprising against the government and the clamour for greater safety measures, let us not mask the cultural issues that we need to address as a society.
Let me pause here, and be upfront with the reader – I have lived outside India for nearly 20 years now. I have had short stints in India of between two weeks to three months every year or two since migrating in 1993. But I am an Indian of root, heart and upbringing and have had the benefit of looking at our way of life from the outside in. If anything in this article is offensive or incorrect, I am happy to take your feedback on board and even debate the issue.
Coming back to the issue of rape in our society, I believe the problem runs deeper than gangs of men having their sick fun. These men too are a product of our culture and society, and the way they view women is driven by what they have seen and experienced. Unfortunately, violence against women and gender discrimination have been part of our way of life for far too long.
Now I can almost see a number of heads nodding in agreement - “Yes yes – so many women are treated so badly. My bai too gets beaten and abused by her mard, but she does not want to do anything about it. Kya kare?! Education is the only answer!”
I think that by consigning the problem to lower-income families and the lack of education we are not seeing the full picture. Yes I agree that domestic violence still remains a major issue. If a child grows up watching his mother getting abused and beaten, and sees that she just bears it silently then it does have a major impact on his or her psyche and view of women in general.
But is the problem only in lower-income households and families who cannot afford proper education? And does the root of the problem lie only with families where domestic abuse exists? And can school education alone address a child’s psychological make-up and mould him into a man who respects women?
The greater misstep here is that by consigning the issue to just lower income classes and uneducated masses and families with domestic violence, we are absolving ourselves of any part we have to play in this matter. And we cannot and must not do so, if we want to progress as a society.
The root of the issue lies in gender discrimination. And I don’t mean just in workplaces or schools. Nor am I referring only to extremes where a boy's education is favoured over a girl's or a girl is ill-treated by her in-laws. I refer to small, almost banal issues that exist in every home which we must change first in order to change our society.
My brother and I were raised in Singapore where our parents taught us to share in household chores. Be it washing the dishes, folding clothes or helping with chopping onions - you had to do your part. My dad too helped out with washing dishes or folding clothes or occasionally even cooking when he was home. We all viewed this as being perfectly normal and a part of living together as a family. (My mom will protest that we did not help out often enough, but lets put that to one side for now).
But every time I visited India and was found washing dishes or wiping the dining table or even making a cup of coffee in the kitchen I heard the words “Bechara – he does household chores like a woman.” When I arrived in Australia to study, my female friends from India were initially amused by the fact that I knew how to wash dishes. One of my friends even provided this bit of positive feedback to my mom when she visited us, "Pratham does a good job washing dishes." My mom gave a bemused smile, “So he washes dishes, what’s the big deal? Has he learned to cook yet?!” More recently, a friend of mine won a mixture of admiration and sympathy at a social gathering from other women around. The reason - the poor guy not only cooks for his wife but also cleans up afterwards!
My point is why is a guy washing dishes or cooking viewed with such amusement and surprise or even sympathy? I live now with my girlfriend, and most often I cook our meals (I am the better cook...or so I believe). She helps out with folding the clothes or washing the dishes while I am cooking our meals for the week. We have a happy coexistence and a mutual respect that both of us are working professionals who each need to do our part in keeping our home neat and putting food on the table.
Now you may ask what this has to do with Nirbaya’s rape and murder? My response is – everything. Unless we stop viewing our roles in our homes and in society as male and female roles, we won’t view each other as equals. Men who are raised to view themselves as God’s gift to earth will inevitably be offended by a woman who does not see them thus. A woman with strength, self-respect or a sharp tongue is viewed as a threat and must be taught a lesson. Take this to the extreme and you have a group of violent men who need to show a woman her place in the world. Who need to show her that they are the ones who have been blessed with a penis, even if they need five other men to hold her down before they dare get it out.
Yes - the change has to start at home, and it has to start with the women themselves. Mothers who coddle their sons with food and service, while ‘training’ their daughters to be good housewives need to stop. A son is equally capable of helping out at home – domesticating him will not make him any less of a man. It will only teach him to respect woman and view them as equals.
Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, a woman needs to be viewed as an independent individual who is not responsible for the family’s place in society. Again, I am not referring to the extreme cases, not even to marriage outside the class or religion. There are numerous everyday instances where we place this unwarranted burden of family pride and honour on our women’s shoulders.
For example, a man can decide not to visit his uncle’s family, as long as he sends his wife in his place. After all, she represents the family, and he is a very busy person. However, the reverse does not apply. If he visits his uncle, then she has to accompany him – because if she does not, they may be offended. After all she represents the family, and she goes where he does. Of course, if she visits her uncle, there is no question of the latter being offended if her husband could not make it – after all he is a busy man.
The same applies to any and every religious or family function. The men of the family can make flirting appearances, but the women need to stay through the function. A man can turn up in a t-shirt and a pair of jeans to the function, but the girl needs to be decked up in her best saree. Any less and she will be admonished by her mother and aunts. And she better salute her elders with proper flourish at the function. After all she represents the family. And when the festive lunch is served, she must wait her turn after her fathers and brothers have had their fill. After all, that’s the customary way a woman behaves. Any deviation from this will mean that the relatives scorn on her parents and her upbringing.
Again, these may seem trivial to the point of being silly. But with every instance like this we keep making our girls feel like they need to uphold the family’s honour and have to abide by time honoured traditions. Take this to the extreme and you have thousands of cases of rape and domestic abuse that go unreported every year. Worse still are the cases of women committing suicide for fear of facing their families after suffering such a heinous crime.
We have to take responsibility as a society. Let us not rest with just pointing fingers at the politicians, the police, and the scum of society. Let us start with changing our own homes and the way we raise our children. Young parents – I implore you – treat your sons and daughters equally. The girl child should be given equal opportunity and independence as the boy. And the male child should be taught that his role in the world is to contribute to both society and his own household. Only then will we have a society of balanced individuals with mutual respect for the opposite gender.
“You needn’t worry about my daughter’s safety or how she dresses for her parties. You should worry about your son’s safety if he is attending the same party and doesn’t know to behave.” - Unknown
